Dancin with Myself

It just seems to be one of those kind of days! I've always had this problem where I'd rather take private lessons eternally than spend an hour with a group of people my age that literally have nothing in common with me. I know you aren't supposed to talk during classes and for the record I wholly endorse that policy in my classes, but sometimes you just can't seem to shake that feeling of being an outsider.

My background for dance training was a little spotty as a youth. I initially started dancing at a neighborhood studio that went out of business the year after my sister and I enrolled, our next choice was the studio my cousin went to in the next town (30 minutes away) but they don't answer their phones during the summer, so we found a competition studio and started there. It was there that I realized I didn't want to be on Broadway or music videos, I wanted to be a beautiful ballerina, like my cousin, and dance in New York like they did in Center Stage. At the time our dance studio only offered a contemporary or lyrical style of ballet, but I was craving classical. This studio was no longer a good fit for me and my parents understood that so we switched. Walking into that place for the first time was so nerve wracking for me, I'm not sure how my knees held me up! (I was nothing but knees back then, I swear!) My first few classes with my new teacher were so different, I didn't know what to do with myself. She taught a completely differently method for ballet and I was 11.

I vaguely remember donning my first pair of pointe shoes and barely being able to support myself without the barre, but I will forever remember not really having any friends in classes until a new girl moved to the studio from out of state. What's my problem? I am by no means, what-so-ever, preppy. I'm the proud daughter of a mechanic, not a Dr's daughter and when I tell you I could hardly afford to dance, I'm not kidding! Social distinction starts very early in human life and monetary gain is usually where it starts for children. Its easy to know you're different from someone when you can afford different things and children don't understand the social faux pas with behavior.

Fast forward a few years and I'm back to being a loner. My friend for a time has gone from being my best friend to preppier than anyone else at the studio and I thought it was cooler to dress like a boy. (Far more comfortable, fyi.) Don't get me wrong, there were a lot of other things going on, but our major differences came down to priorities and we just didn't agree on anything anymore. With the passing of Ms Jeanne, the studio began to change. It was no longer enough to work hard in class, we had to constantly compete with our new teacher's 2-3 favorites for every correction. There were times I felt like asking, "If I wasn't here, would you have even noticed?" My little sister happened to come across our old competition studio and decided to take a hip hop class and came home crying. When asked what's wrong, she said "I haven't had fun dancing in almost two years!" We switched studios within the week and I found myself on a competition team with girls I literally thought were insane. I'd come from an atmosphere where it wasn't proper to talk during class, let alone disrupt the class for a story about your boyfriend! It was a really hard adjustment, but I made a few good friends that year, that I still talk to. One of which was a goth girl and the other is currently working for that same studio with me.

 In all this time though, I'd rather have not had to go to a studio and see other people constantly. I was in a seriously bad depression and just being around people made it so, so much worse. I spent countless hours in the spare dance rooms doing barre and meditating, just to be alone. Our competition team won countless platinums that year, but I found the whole experience trite. I didn't need a trophy to know I was a good dancer and when I said that I alienated myself from everyone at this studio as well. Looking back at everything now I can say that I was always designed to be in love with being a loner and I was always meant for teaching. The stage doesn't do anything for me anymore, which is crazy, as it was my sole reason for dancing in the first place! My advice for anyone who may be reading this and feeling the same way is that its hard growing up, but you will get through it and while it may feel like you're the only person in the world who is going to a studio where you don't fit in, but you still love practicing the art of dance, just keep at it. You'll find that when you grow up it doesn't really matter what people think about you and your zany personality.

As always, Message me or comment on here, My Lovelies! I'd love to hear some feedback! -Ms Ivy