Its been almost an entire month since my last post. Where have I been? Well, I've moved, begun co-running a summer camp, choreographing, and in short, far too tired to post as often as I'd like. I feel like I have the dancer blues right now. I'm incredibly tired and not dancing very often.
If you Google "depression in dancers" you'll be shown a long list of eating disorder problems and over achiever hardships. I'll be honest, I fear I suffer from mild depression, but I don't have an eating disorder and I'm definitely not an over achiever, so where does that leave me?
The past few years have been a roller coaster for my dance training and my emotional well being. After graduating high school, I chose to move across the country twice in pursuit of young love and give up my life long passion. After a long struggle and fifty extra pounds I moved back to my hometown to begin dancing and teaching again.
After what has felt like forever I'm finally in control of my weight and I'm ready to start really pushing myself as a dancer again, but where to start? I'm not as strong as when I was a teenager and some days I wonder how much my natural ability carried me through when I was younger. I've noticed how much more susceptible I am to "just accept" how my body is now. I look in the mirror and see a completely different person than I did when I was younger and I'm just getting discouraged. I'm constantly asking myself how I can be a positive role model for my students when I feel I'm not able to believe my words about myself.
I previously stated I do not have an eating disorder, I feel I need to explain my background on the background matter. In my teen years I struggled with wanting to be thinner, as most girls did. I suffered from a mild bout of bulimia for two years. I say mild because even though I knew scientifically it wouldn't help and I knew I need fuel for my body I still forced myself to throw up at least four times a week. (Some diet plan huh?) It wasn't until talking to a respected teacher about my problem and a very good friend that I started treating my body with the respect it deserves and taking care of it. I know what I'm talking about when it comes to these things.
Fast forward four years: I've recently gained and lost almost fifty pounds and I'm beginning to dance again with a stronger appreciation for having good technique and with a passion I never could've experienced when I was younger, but every once in a while I still catch that bad angle in the mirror or that unflattering line that makes me cringe and I start letting myself slip back into negativity.
I've always had a hard time with letting go of negativity and I'm afraid I still do. Just not being able to spot as well in a turn or develope with the same amount of grace as some of my students is enough to upset me for weeks! I worry whether my teaching abilities are enough to convey the beauty of the art I love and it in turn that effects my relationships with my students and coworkers. Its amazing how much negativity can really effect you.
I never really understood the statement "Dance Like Nobody's Watching" as I'm a performer and love every minute of a performances, but I'm starting to feel more and more closed off from the audience and more into feeling the movement for myself. Its been rather invigorating and an almost spiritual feeling.
All that aside, I'm still feeling depressed and exhausted. I'm looking into better, heartier food choices and spending more time outside for contrast from the indoor studio atmosphere. I'm just not really inspired enough to post very often right now. Once Nutcracker season starts up I'm sure I'll be back on the right track ;) -Ms Ivy
